disenchanted - sad lil soul

Life is much too precious to be spent on rankling on our past. For the first time in awhile, I came to terms that living is not all about fixing the past but by living each day as if it were your last. Corny as it sounds, a little constant reminding isn't going to hurt anyone. I guess I probably misunderstood George Santayana famous quote “those who do not remember the past are doomed to repeat it”.

But I supposed what was significantly meant was that, we should remember our past, but not try to undo things. What's done will be done and can never be undone. We just have to get on with life. It's pointless to have all that energy on just worrying about the what ifs and what have I dones. Sometimes to make peace with ourselves, we just got to ignore the problem and forget it ever happened, or a simple fervent apology will suffice.

Too many times have I put myself in a grilling. Instead of living life, I rebuke myself over my actions. Too often have I tried to figure out if I were playing the good guy or bad guy role. So many times, I felt guilty and remorseful about the things I said. The one incident which still pretty much haunts me today revolves around P. P is the kind of person I really like. We would talk quite often before. Until one day that is... I personally can't recall when. We began talking less frequent. I figured P was probably just busy. I couldn't have suspected anything. It wasn't until a few months back when I realised P wasn't even replying to my texts or answering my calls. It's very depressing to know it's happening. I keep grieving to myself about what I have done. Did I say or do anything wrong? I kept blaming myself, condemning myself to an eternity of unforgivable misery.

Because of that, I had surrendered my soul to the most of morbid and gloomy of thoughts. I made a deal with the devil himself to spare P from anything and just let me be miserable. I was so upset and depressed with myself. I tried to think about happy stuffs. But it is hard to find that now. Sometimes when I dwell in my deepest darkest moments, I would imagine ways of punishing my own self. How I wish that P could just tell me what I did wrong and I would be fine rather than not saying anything at all. I would even be far happier if I received public humiliation. Just thinking about it makes my whole world crumble and tumble. T______T Saddening...

I am actually quite disappointed sad upset angry troubled heart-broken pissed okay right now. If I am ever down again, I would ask myself; why should we judge ourselves? Or why should we worry ourselves about what others think? Sighsss...... But it's not that simple. I really do care about P. I just want P to know that after all of that nothing of how I feel for her will ever change. But I suppose I have to learn to cope with a part and parcel of life.

Those who don’t learn from history are condemned to blog about it.