in the light of dawn

blue october

What is in someone who is egoistic? Is it something which has a life span? Is it untouchable? Can fire and flame diminish it?

I have always considered myself as one. I was born and bred in a school which cultivates our massive ego. But after stepping out of the school, it has not serve me like it had used to anymore... well maybe I have put an end to that part of me... suffocated and gone. Right now, it's nothing more than what I consider a "confidence projectile". It has made myself into a known stranger. Someone whom I am sure I know very well, but different in a way, like the smell of your pillow after a two week holiday.

Perhaps, it's no more me and the juniors, anymore. Perhaps, I have grown so much, and now it's more like me and the world. Perhaps, standing amongst the others made me feel a little smaller. Perhaps, I am just a little older and wiser.

I have endured so much of what life has thrown at me. Hardships have corroded and thin my ego. Hardships have made me, shaped me, into a great man.

God doesn't give you the person you want, he gives you the person you need; to help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you, and to make you the person you were meant to be...

push

Perhaps my most debilitating handicap would be to allow myself to be fooled into thinking the very best things in life would never happen to me. Such certainty and sureness may be underlined by my paradoxical intuitive nature. There are times when I am at a bowling alley, only to hope that I can proof myself that I wouldn't get a strike just because I know I can. I sometimes wish I could negate these negative thoughts, but then again, I hope not to be left like a chicken being reared as a 'pet'. False hope is perhaps worse than being given the bad news early on. I rather a quick pull of the band-aid. However the case, if only I could ensure both of them could cohabit, and that I could clearly see them as a balance.

My admiration for people who never seemed to be under pressure, never ceased. They always seem to know what to do at times of crisis and chaos. Who would be able to see the silver lining of a wet beach day?

I guess we are all inclined to desperately push ourselves to please others, to be respected in the eyes of our society. But perhaps, it is best that we dutifully try to make our ownself happy for a change. With significantly less effort than I normally should I have, I forgo pampering me. Sometimes I don't remember or don't know what I want...

...till I have it in front of me...

...or till it's gone...


Even if something seems so improbable; so far beyond your reach, do PUSH..

Pray Until Something Happens.

haihzzz..........

speech and absolutely tired.. but i know i need to persist and be more alert....

heavy head

It's days like this I wish I have a bunk bed; so that I could wake up, and knock my head on the top bunk until I faint...

pic(fu)

A train to nowhere; decides where we ought to be. The dawn and beginning of summer writes possible routes for which we may venture. It saddens me of the untimely need for us to go where we are suppose to be. What connection to the universe made this inevitable?

Oh woe is the short lifespan we have to endure being apart. Early hurts; may test the will of a mind. We all crave for something to believe in, to find meaning for everything to make sense. A dream; lets hope won't fade away; paints a pretty pic(fu)ture. Whatever God plans for me, by His almighty grace, it is exactly what I would stand for.

a potato in my throat

It's been forever since I last blogged...

Just to say; a tough one week has come and gone. Only a few days remaining. Feeling so weary.. so exhausted today. AND this is soooo confusing! Gah! okays.. goodnights!

with needle and thread

A few weeks back... (yes call me a procrastinator), the button of my shorts came loose. At that point, with the coursework datelines looming, I could not be bothered. And I have no one to ask for help. So I just washed it.. the shorts of course.. and left it lying in my drawer.

What does this mean? Should I lose weight? Should I just turn my pants into rags? But it's still fairly new.



I guess I achieved something today...

Broken seams, torn fabrics, loose buttons. They all can be fixed. Although it may be untidy initially, with practice, they can look as if they were brand new.

All with needle and thread...

come outside. it's spring!

The sun is out, colours have returned in place of grey,

Greyness soaked and dissipates away.
Shades are lit up, warmness overcomes gloom,
A flower never needs to know how to bloom.

-JL-

no one else

strangely there was no longing of any sorts when I was out from one gift shop to another today. perhaps the numbness of truth and realization serves as a much needed panacea.

also...

"Good news? what good news?"
"X told me.." =)
"Owh" =))

knowing that someone is watching over you is all the special feeling that you need :)

Hope

"A Light, no shadow can hide."


That's the beauty of music. They can't get that from you... Haven't you ever felt that way about music? Although it never and wouldn't make sense, it make sense when things are tough. You need it so you don't forget. Forget that... there are places in this world that aren't made out of stone. That there's something inside... that they can't get to, that they can't touch. That's yours.

That's Hope.

Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.

- Shawshank Redemption -

once upon a new year..

So it's once again a brand new year. It's coming to the second day of the year from where I am. It got slightly chillier today. Rain showered in across the sleepy town of Nottingham, and to me, it's like a new beginning, starting the new year with a clean slate. Whatever that has happened in the last year or before that is of history, a major part of my life, but no more than needed-heeded lessons. It's a bit like how Jesus came, and took the nails for us. Because of His love, He died for us, to spare us and redeem us from all our sins. This humbling thought sometimes is the assurance I need to get through my days.

When we are lost, when we feel that no compass can guide us, whether it's a bright or cloudy day, with everything we wish for, we look up...



My resolution this year sounds simple, but requires much striving, dedication, discipline, and hard work; that is, to succeed.


There are two rules for success: 1) Never tell everything you know...
Roger H. Lincoln

the gift

Stepping into the snow covered trail,
Can't believe I was so impatient.

Snow drifted across my face.

In football, in certain positions,
you know the goal is coming.
But sometimes, when it's left a bit late,
when it goes to injury time,
you get a little anxious.
You may try a different approach/tactic.
You speak to the Captain.
He says he trusts the team.
And so, I have to trust them as well.

And with the memories of Park's double in each half's injury time against Wolves.
I believed.

And even when the snow came down a little harder,
I believed.

And with the calmness of the Captain,
I believed.

And even when the clock is winding down, and the fat lady is starting to clear her throat,
I believed.

Because that's what Christmas is all about right?
Because when the snow fell, it felt like Christmas.
Because when I felt calm, it felt like Christmas.
Because when all I hear is joy and laughter, it felt like Christmas.
Because when the goal came, when you came, it felt like an angel's presence,
It felt like Christmas.

And I was there, and you were there.
And a group of candles flickered all around us.
And they have been flickering all this while,
my hope, my supporter, my friends.
And that is what happened.
And that is how I felt.

And like some drunk guy,
I speak of nonsense.
I laughed, and I thought it made no sense to laugh.
Because I was happy.
And I don't know why.

I guess it never did change.
I guess each time when the world is between us,
we had our arms around it,
keeping ourselves within reach.

We were that close, always together, and never apart.
Like the orbit of the Earth around the Sun,
Like the coming of seasons,
tomorrow shall come,
and so will you.

And when we part,
I never wanted to feel the pain,
Like the ripping of a plaster,
I wanted it to be swift.

The anticipation is never what I wanted.
Oh I wish it was Christmas everyday.
Because when the first day of after-Christmas comes,
I know I would have to wait again.
The feeling of missing is mixed with both joyous and longing.

So I said my goodbyes,
something which left something hard in my throat.
I wanted to turn away.
Because I couldn't bear seeing you walk away.
But you were still there.
And I was knew I was wrong.
Because I am glad, this was done slowly.
Even though a vortex was sucking me away from these place,
I knew I could be back again.
And with a hug and long farewells,
I tried to hide the unexpected tearing.
A long deep breathe helped,
and we were on our way.

Oh when you’re still waiting for the snow to fall
Those Christmas lights will light up the streets
And, maybe they’ll bring her back to me...

through my window

I love it that I am writing this at the spur of the moment.

I love it that we are going out for lunch shortly.

I love it that I have time to write this.

I love it that I sing about God everyday.

I love it that I can still stay up till 6am even though I had only 5 hours sleep the day before.

I love it that I can still write a decent report right up to 6am, on the dateline day.

I love it that I have got only one day of classes this week.

I love it that I am attending a good school.

I love it that I can still make some friends happy.

I love it that I am surrounded by friends.

I love it that we do homework together.

I love it that we can stay warm in our living room.

I love it that I have my down jacket when I am out.

I love it that UK's desserts are awesome.

I love it that my parents call when I am super busy.

I love it that I am still updated with things from home.

I love it that I am still part of the conversation at home.

I love it that I can wake up from sleep as I like.

I love it that the sun has been has been waking me up everyday at the same time, for the last 3 days.

I love it that the sun shines through my window.

I love it that You are part of my life.

- Happy Thanksgiving -

oh my sunshine

FML.. I slept at 6am on Tuesday morning.. and woke up at 2.30pm. And at 2.30pm, it was nearly dark.

I slept when it was dark, and woke up when it was barely bright. FML. Who took my sunshine while I was snoozing?

It will get worse I think. Sunset could be as early 3pm i think.

Here's hoping, wherever you are, enjoy your sunlight!

let it snow

This place shall soon dissolve like snow
The sun will forbear to shine

But I will still wait everyday to see your glow
And hope will forever be mine

carry on

Another autumn day has come and gone away.
The last leaf has fall, cue start of chilly days.

As I stroll carefully yonder the hills
Knowing so well how I truly feel.
And then up I came to meet you
I smiled and so did you.

Heavans twinkled, out came the stars,
You never would know how lovely you are...

tacos

I woke up one day, and I realised someone took my cheese tacos.

Change is inevitable. But it's tough to face it. It's tough even admitting it. I prefer to cling on to the things which are familiar. It feels safe... just right... like home. I guess I just don't like changes. I am afraid to look it in the eye. It just never works out... well not for me at least.

I hope things are back to normal to save my heart...

Yet I am willing for some tacos.

into the door

In a little town of Nottingham, that's where I will be in the next 2 years... perhaps more? Rain; of drizzle kind are a common coming. A brolly (umbrella) in a bag is a really good idea. A coat; preferably something waterproof which can keep you warm is a fantastic idea.

Nottingham, a city of history; of Sherwood forest, Maid Marian, and Robin Hood. The art of 'stealing from the rich and giving to the poor' thankfully (or not?) does not occur. When we will be sleeping; the droning sound of little pat-o-pat outside helps us drown further into sleep.

If we are out in this sort of weather, people like me may be tempted to use the umbrella. Locals; more often than not; choose to battle against the annoying-shiver-inducing droplets. The use of an umbrella basically labels yourself as an outsider... somewhat so. But at least it would keep me dry.

But....


I wondered, I contemplated; and I was curious; to be part of this country, I would need to blend in. So, on the next occasion; the umbrella and I would switch position. I will instead take the drops while shielding the umbrella. I shall be wet; and my umbrella shall remain bone dry.

Perhaps, in the coming weeks, I would start not to take notice of the rain anymore. I would see things differently, with a new set of 'eyes'.

10

Where will you be on the 10th of October 2010 (10-10-10)? Somewhere far or closer to home? Most importantly, what would you be doing that day? It is a date we should have marked down on our calendar. Special things, I mean wonderful things are meant to happen that day. When the day comes, when that very moment comes to be, why don't we try to put ourselves what we will do; say 10 minutes into the future, 10 days, 10 months; even 10 years forward!


We orchestrate our lives. We play our game. We make the moves. We earn what we deserved. We reap what we sow.

Recently, a book title caught my attention. It's exactly about this. Making resolutions. Making our lives meaningful. Setting goals. We have the power to decide. We are the master of our destiny. There are times when I feel that I may not have enough strength. This is when I feel vulnerable; that perhaps I have exhausted myself, and that I may not be good enough to do what I want... to be who I wanna be.

All this while, I have been relying on chances, listening to people telling me what I am supposed to be. I guess this book helps to guide my blinded attempts to make something out of myself. All this while, I prefer not to look too far into the future. I prefer to just go with the flow, to ride the waves. But I realised that it's important to actually know where this boat is taking me, and how I am getting there. By envisioning myself through this time line, I can have more focus in whatever I do. I am now able to recognise the possibility to use some of my strengths to overcome my weakness. The choices we make, determines our action; the action that proceeds, shapes our future. Life would be more balance, simpler. Life could be more of our own.

The thoughts of my future escalated as my colleagues in office asked me about my future, about life after graduation. What would I do? Who will I be? I would usually evade these sort of questions. But right now I am please to share my dreams; and by sharing, hopefully it would further motivate myself to strive to new heights. Today was my last day, the end of my internship. It has been swell. The people are awesome and it was such a fantastic learning experience on my part. I always tried to give my all, to accomplish things at my own initiative. It didn't start off that way, but I learn to do things on my own after that. I can say that I have learnt a lot, not only about marketing, but about myself. I learn I can sometimes surprise myself, if I wear my heart on my sleeve. It's all these little "other things" that we learn that will stick with us forever. Many "10s" to the team at GSK.

And so, at hindsight, I have 10 more days before I am off. What will I do? I will enjoy myself wholly. I will spend time at home, with my family as much as I can. I will do the jogging I have been putting off all this while. I will eat the buka puasa food at the gerai-gerai near my neighbourhood. I shall relax amidst the countdown people are doing for me on my behalf.

And now.. I need my sleep.. eye swollen.. got to be at the hospital by 10....