walking

I was playing a game recently (merely to de-stress), when it got me thinking.. life is really like a race.. like the Amazing Race.

But unlike the reality TV counterpart, we run this race alone, or rather, we begin with the support and cheers from the crowd, like how we got from our loving parents. And even so, do we not disagree to say that, for most points in our lives, we make our own informed choices at the crossroads, at the junctions, at the detours?

Along the routes/paths that is set out for us, we meet with many wonders, transgressions, love ones, obstacles, good fortune, misleading information (foreign taxi drivers), fast forwards, or sabotages. Each willing us on, or holding us back. Are we capable, strong enough, to carry on? Or does the scratch/bruise from the last fall make us weak, succumbing to a time penalty, of letting life just pass-by wastefully?

The scab on my knee has nearly healed... but.. I am not sure I want to remove it yet..

In our own race, one thing I know, even though each of us got our own route, a different means of getting there, and at different times; we may still end up at there, at the same place. But even so, we are now at different points of the race..

In our own race, one thing I know; at times when that happens, I find that there is nothing good in goodbyes. You may be a tad too late, you may be a tad too early, and after some time... I realised some people are only meant to stay in my heart.. not in my life.. not in this race.

One thing I know, I find all I need is in Your unending love.

If your can't fly, then run,
If you can't run, then walk,
If you can't walk, then crawl,
But whatever we do,
We have to keep MOVING FORWARD.

hope

I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go,





And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.

for you

When there is no light to guide you
When all hope is being challenged
When darkness is overwhelming
When the compass doesn't point North

Would you trust in your instinct
Would your endure
Would you stop trying
Would you reach out your hands
and look to the sky

Whatever our future brings
No matter the weights of past which holds me down
Despite the acts and trials of time and space
Forever more, again and again,
I will keep on coming
For you.

under the sun

Under the warmth of the spring's sunny glow, of bold and bright, one can only hope for bliss, an ethereal world only concocted by a mind of a poet. Clear skies, and the stillness of the air, almost tranquil, a sense of calming, familiarity, comfort, home.

Childhood memories finds its way out. I lifted out my hand, allowing a dandelion seed to gently land on it. The shadows that formed seemed to grow under my feet as the sun commence. Cares and stress that have etched on our faces seemed to have swept away. The golden hue which envelopes our soul made sure we see beauty everywhere.

Much promise is seen in the beams of our reflection. Much dreams are made under the rays of hope. The Sun is everlasting. It represents a sense of hope, trust, worth, and love... always. It's p'wer reigns upon us, always there, high above, like an eye in the sky, keeping watch on all of us.

I stole a glance across... breaking free from my reverie.

leaving town....

It's haunting me now..
That I have to go.
I am sad to leave...
But I will keep on moving.

Looking out of the window,
the smell,
the sight,
the feel...
it's hard to swallow...
I have to admit,
I will definitely...
miss Home...

And so I am on my way to UK,
I shall hope for the best... :)

Adapted from:
Daughtry - Tennessee Line

like the wind...

What the pastor said the other day at church was true. Most of the things we do in life can only be pursued, but not achieved. There's a never ending desire for something we want in life, bak kata pepatah, kasi betis tapi nak paha. Something la.. my Malay is horripipible.

In other words, if our goal is to be rich; when will we ever say it's enough? Or when we are climbing the corporate ladder, when can we say, "oh... I think I have reached high enough, thank you very much. No more raise or promotions for me please. Give it to my rival." It's not very feasible. We are humans. We crave desire. We always want to outdo the other person, or rather outdo ourselves.

Mind you, this is not a bad quality. It's excellent in fact. But we have to know the limits, otherwise like what the pastor said, it's like chasing wind. I am not here to preach that I am holier than thou. I ain't perfect myself. Life's a gift. The time spent with those closest to you is the most important to you. Nothing else matters. Believe you me, nothing else is more fulfilling than spending time with your family and God Himself. Something which I haven't been doing much lately...



As I count down the days I have left in Malaysia... the days left I am at home..., yes... I am excited, but mostly I am living in denial. I am looking forward to going, but in retrospect, I am having anxieties as well. Either way, fact is.. I am going, and I am going to miss everyone, my family, my friends, my home...

People all go through the same thing, and along the way, they will undergo a journey of self-discovery. And it will all be revealed to them in daily lessons... It just doesn't involve me alone... It involves all of you as well.

As I lay in my bed, the clock ticks loudly, signaling the passing of time, in rhythmically haunting wave. It sweeps by and through me, not waiting a second for me at all. I can see... I can feel it, I can see what it does... like the wind. It registers to me what time does to us all. It leaves a mark we cannot trace back; we can't get it back. More precious than anything in this world, time should be our treasure. And I shall treasure every bit of it left with the ones I love...

It's happening... and just like time, and just like the wind... so fleeting... so brief... yet you would be able to feel it, you would be able to see what it does... It's Him, our Lord. And I thank God, I have Him in my life.

Let's share what we have left...

Pray for me...

never

Some of the best moments are the most fleeting.
It never lasts...
like how you would picture it to be.

Reality isn't parallel with fantasy at all.
We almost always imagine the best.
And it ends up usually hurting our own selves.

We just see things different.
Not eye to eye.

But in her eyes,
I can see a reflection of myself.
Of how I could be.
But perhaps more of who she's looking for.
And it's not me nor I.

But those perfect moments.
Are everlasting.
The are unadulterated...
precious...
You would have want to hold on to it too.
I guess it's just me...
I met someone special
And I jumped in right too soon.

everything

Would you help me out if I can't see..
the truth that encroaches underneath unknowingly?

Would you show me how does it feel
when I silently whisper your name into your ears?

Would you feel the same...
what I am feeling for you right now?

Now I know I need you here with me.
I feel blessed to know you.
You inspire me.
You touched my heart.
You give me the strength to accomplish things.
You are always by my side.
You are understanding.
You are always on my mind.

How can I,
stand by you.. and not be moved by you..
I am swept away.
Crazy... but I believe,
each time I look into your eyes.
The feeling deep in my heart,
I can't deny.

How could it be better than this?

scatters of a healed..

Sometimes, we disagree.. we have our own opinions... but..

But.. it could be true...

out of the darkness

You hold your breath for many reasons.
Sometimes, when you are being strangled,
sometimes, you are trying to suppress a bad cough.
But most of the time, it's when something unexpected happens.
Something which leaves your jaw hanging.
Your breath is just simply taken away.
And you know,
that these moments,
simply are worth it.





...........................................

Btw, crisp cotton sheets are just awesome!

colours moving and still...

If we try to account the positive relationships we would love to have in our life, I guess we could summarise it down to these...

The relationship between God and our self...
The relationship between our parents and our self...
The relationship between our friends and our self...
The relationship between that special someone and our self...

Then... I felt that those alone were not enough. I felt there should be more... So, these were what I also included...

The relationship between God and our family...
The relationship between God and our friends...
The relationship between God and our boyfriend/girlfriend...
The relationship between our parents and our friends...
The relationship between our parents and our boyfriend/girlfriend...
The relationship between our friends and our boyfriend/girlfriend...

Then... I thought... heck... there has to be a vise versa in all of those relationships as well. And, what about our pets, our Facebook friends, our colleagues, mother nature, the mak-cik who make sure our schools are in study-conducive environment, our mechanics, our stock broker, our landlords... gosh.. so many to list. Well, you get the picture.

But what we can definitely agree is...

"There may be no greater inner agony than the loss of a relationship we desperately want."

because being in a relationship we truly care about feels just like home.

And if you knew how I wanted someone to come along
And change my life the way you've done

a beautiful letdown

But let my words be few...

It's sad that fate brought us together, and now may tear us apart when I am growing on to you. It hurts so much. I took a leap of faith to know you. I guess we didn't have the time to be fully acquainted to each other. So when I imagine what could have, what may be, it just crushes me so much more. So now I cling on to the words we spoken, the brief moments we shared, the image of your smile, the imperfect but adorable way you squint your eyes when I share a lame joke...

Because those are the only things left of you I can hang on to...


Loving you more still...
x

you still make me smile :)

Lately,
I have been living under a shadow over my head...
I feel the need to see the daylight once more...

I keep trying to understand the mystery, this hidden connection that ropes us together. But however the entanglements of the ropes, I know we will always try to straighten them, to remove the loops that messes and ruins the line and lives of ours; not us being like puppets, but us of being under the guidance and from the vantage point of Himself.

Because when I look deep down into your ocean eyes, I still see fresh specks of the future - a calm, loving future that we are a part of. So, it may be the case of not the right moments yet, but soon, I believe that we will be sailing together once more.

So I throw my life upon all that You are,
Cause I know You gave it all for me,
And when all else fades,
My soul will dance with You,
Where the love lasts forever.

- Casting Crowns -

and the greatest is...

I came over and she said "Hey." It wasn't something that anyone would have remembered, but little did I know, it would turn out to be the start of an epic collision course, which would last from way back then till now. I never saw it coming. The impact had already begun even before the stars were formed, all penned out, all written. It took a long time, each revolution would bring them closer, unintentionally, just following the tracks laid before them. In my life, Faith came first. Hope, emerged slightly later from where I was. Love was no where in sight. Her existence brought no signs, but was well aware by Hope...

“Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails.”

-Proverbs 19:21

In the beginning, I didn't know Faith was so important to me until she left. It was then, that I begun to lose myself. I found out that it was a scary possibility to not be connected at all, to be forgotten when I am gone, to be lost in eternity. That's when I started to have Hope. Hope taught me to be kind, understanding, and be an avid listener. It was Hope who had saved me from my own self-destruction. It was Hope who had look into my eyes and smiled as if to say, "You will be alright". It was Hope that never let me down, whenever I feel the need for her. Then, almost recently, Love came to my life. Hope told me stories of Love. I have always enjoyed her stories. Hope said that in the olden days, Hope has always been associated with Love. They coexisted as a pair, bringing joy to people around. Until one day, Hope realised that the ties between Hope and Love were hard work. So both went separate ways, to maintain the order of balance of the two.

Hope discreetly advised me about Love. Perhaps Hope had realised her time was nearing the end, perhaps not. But it took me awhile before I began to Love. To cut things short, I realised I misunderstood Love. It felt like playing with fire, with the same kind of hurt and burn as the consequences. Hope was still around, but seldom do we speak. It was as if Hope's prophecy was true. I saw Hope lingering more with others, and I felt a little missing. And, when Love shoved me out of the door, again I was left with nothing. But slowly, Love begun to let me in again. It wasn't in my attentions as well. I was just being well-guided. I think Hope saw it coming, and realising the best intentions for all, Hope made up her mind to leave. Like when I lost Faith, I didn't realise how much Hope meant to me till she's gone. But before she left, Faith came back to my life, to first time form a complete-three-way-collision. It was clean.. nothing messy. There was no sound, just a bright blinding light, of a spectacular scale. Perhaps, it was the Lord's way of rebooting, setting a different thing I want in life.

Because when Hope was gone... my insides wept. But I had Faith, and I knew that we are being herded well and that there's a sacred bond between us four when the collision occur. We are somehow all connected, by an elastic string of unknown length and I so know that Hope would be back someday. I will wait for her. But in the meantime, Love has been fairly well to me. Love is interesting. Love makes me happy. Love always make me feel fuzzy inside. Love taught me to be strong, empathetic, to always believe that things happened for a reason, to be positive, to be sincere, to not be selfish, to always do the righteous thing, and of course - to Love.

drawn to you

I am drawn to you, still...
Perhaps like a tattoo,
Perhaps like connecting-dots leading to lucid end...
Perhaps like a line to an exciting beginning...
Or perhaps like a sketch to a beautiful painting of what may be...

I am drawn to you, always...
For my biased heart beats for none but you,
For there's nothing clearer than the sight of you,
For the comfort you provide, with a short string of words,
For always believing in me, when I doubt myself the most.

life after...

Most recently,
I have an affinity,
a desire,
which transpire...
after these melodies came to me,
which help me to clearly see,
that perhaps somewhere in my mind,
I have always wanted you to be mine.

But the songs also sang,
and I listened with a slight tinge of pang,
that maybe the best of times are in the past,
and that maybe we wouldn't have last.

I guess my mind,
was just playing tricks,
it had me completely blinded,
and that made me spoke what I speak-ed.

And now I believe what you had told me before,
at that night when I made that call,
that maybe,
surely,
hopefully,
likely,
even if I needed to be dragged... which I was
or resorted to being drugged... which I was
I would eventually realise,
that perhaps,
after some time,

I would say je t'aime...

not to thou,
but to another beau...

terms of endearment

There's nothing left I can do.
I am helpless to right the wrongs.
Words have escaped me far too easily.
I am now at loss.
People know the past can't change.
I thought I knew the path I was going through.
I didn't foresee the bumps and humps.
Up and down I go.
But not really going anywhere.
Such is what I am going through...

- JeKylL -

I had made the error. I knew straight away it was that. But I was pushed and coerced by emotions, I had not anticipate the consequences it had bequeath upon me. What was I to do but hope nature and God will guide me through this mess I had cast upon myself. I grieved but there was none to hear. I shudder at the thoughts that ran through my mind. How could I forgive myself?

If it's wrong to tell the truth
Then what am I supposed to do
When all I want to do is speak my mind (speak my mind)
If it's wrong to do what's right
I'm prepared to testify
If loving you with all my heart's a crime
Then I'm guilty

- Guilty by Blue -

The French Light hadn't been shining brightly. It made me tear with agony seeing the beautiful star dim with the awful clouds. But everyday I had faith that the next day she will shine through once more. I often wonder whether the gravitational pull I have for this star made her wobble on her orbit, whether it was I who had cause the black shadow to have shrouded this beauty of a light.

And so last night, I couldn't take it anymore. If there's nothing left for me, if there's nothing left to salvage, if there's no chance to divert back to path once laid before me, I made up my mind to at least let go of everything to make someone else happy. And so, I made a deal with God.

This shall be my legacy.

With all my heart,

and everything that comes with it,
I sacrifise my love for her,
to see her happy once more,
to see her free from her troubles,
to see her no more in pain.

This morning, I awoke feeling numb, yet hopeful. And three hours later, I realised my wish had come true. I see the glow I thought I would never see again. And then I was delighted for her. I was happy that everyone else noticed the change. I feel like it's all back to normal.

But...

For me...

The pangs that stretched from deep within the core of my soul still lingers and persist... It hurt so much more than before... But I am strong. I shall carry this on my sleeve. My only wish is to see her happy and so much more. And so...

and so... we can no longer cross paths anymore, and for that, I can no longer be in love with her. This unbreakable vow will forever bind me.

This is my legacy.

Planets have to continue revolving. I guess I would have to move on in my orbit.

not enough

Sometimes I am glad when you look unhappy.

.
.
.
.

Sometimes I wonder... I always do. I fix a thought here and there, and I will keep going; analysing from every possible angles; seeing things from different views; providing plausible answers on and on.

I guess I am a thinker... someone rational. But that doesn't mean I am carved from the rocks of Broga Hill. I am still human. Very much so.

I know that you intended no harm. But it's the truth that was not let known that infuriated me... that hurt me. It's tough hearing it from someone else, in case you didn't know. I thought of all people, you would be the most understanding one. I guess I judged a bit too soon.

I sat down and thought, and think of you. Each time I see you, I will just stare in silence, hoping somehow I could reach to you telepathically. But it's so hard. And each time I thought I found an answer, more questions, painful questions came up. Why are you doing this to me? Is there no better way to deal with this things? Are you purposely acting like this to make me angry?? Why is talking so difficult?

Probably you thought ignorance would have been a bliss to me. It might be true... But I wished you had told me. I wished I had known the news from you. At least, I didn't have to be the last to know.

Yet...

Yet...

Yet... Sighs... I understand why you did it. You didn't want me to be hurt. I would have done just the same. I guess I was mad because you did the right thing. I was mad because you didn't give me any reason to hate you. I am mad because I am still drowning in the strong feelings I have for you.

You are simply amazing. I just can't tell you enough...

.
.
.
.

But I am always glad to see you cheerful again...