follow the wind

Never fish in your own pond.

Sometimes I marvel how smart I was when I was younger. I wonder how come I knew the world much better then than I do now. They always say as you age, you gather more experience, and then you can poke fun at the naive-ness of the younger ones. Somehow or rather, I defied that logic, and ultimately the universal law, and I got myself caught in a predicament, I thought I didn't have to go through.

I love my neighbours. But if my young self was my Jiminy Cricket, and if he was standing on my shoulders, putting words into my ear, well.. what he would say is that I love my neighbours a bit too much... and that I should stay clear and not get involved.

But... I didn't heed his advice. Instead, I brushed him off my shoulders, while wearing a tight smug look/smirk on my face. I guess I can't blame myself. Things happen. Stars align. Stupid cupids.

1. It always start with an attraction, something which the person said or did which gets stuck in your mind. While other voices try to reach me, I will try to listen, but more often than not, I will scoff at them and proceed to just being me... persistent yet stubborn. And so, I began to believe.

2. Next I started noticing things that I would usually turn away from. At this point, I should have known that perhaps we wouldn't make it so far... that we might not belong; that we might never meant to be. But I was crazy. So I bargained. I crossed this barrier... where I couldn't look back, or change my mind anymore. I built something new in my heart.

3. So, when I realised that I could possibly live with that flaw; it was like submission. I give in to everything. I learn to accept. I was proud of myself in fact. Usually these flaws would cause me to look away, but now I am willing to have everything as a whole package. No more judging, just appreciating who the person really is. I look at these flaws, and I turned it into something beautiful.

4. Then there was the added perks. I started seeing the beauty of having so and so with me. It was simply amazing. I feel like we are both glowing among the thick crowd of people; that we were the centres of the universe.

5. However, then I was left making mistakes... saying the wrong things, overdoing things for so and so. These were perhaps the tipping point. From here on, it's a dovetail spiral. Every fantasy I ever conjured up were snatched away, and reality struck. Bubbles burst. Every song you hear suddenly are the emo ones. Everyday seems to be gloomy. Nothing seemed to be left for me...

6. We would talk to clear things up; to see where we are... and it would make sense for awhile. But even with all the things being cleared up, there's still the purgatory stage. You find that your life can't function as well anymore. Sometimes I would wake up in the middle of the night... and it's cold and dark, and I would realise she's not there. You start to question everything that has happen since the attraction. What happened between then and now?? While figuring that out, I feel very much to be taken somewhere else. For me, I tried to forget the world and just live...

7. If only that would work. But it's easier said than done. It is hard to give up on the things we believe so much in. I kept believing in destiny, that we are meant for each other. But I now I know, it's probably just a fairy tale. So, I decide to confront so and so and make everything clear to us once more. I was prepared for anything I guess. And so when when that was out of the way... I know I was by myself. Everything that I miss mean nothing anymore. Nothing hurts more than realizing she meant everything to you, but you meant nothing to her.

8. I always watch so and so from a distance, wishing the best... wishing for her happiness. But then... it went well... too well. The pain started to return to me. I didn't want to feel it. Nothing good can come from it. And somehow I couldn't take it, and so I was sucked into a mad world, and my alter ego was sent back to the real world. Someone who looked like me but who was the total opposite of me took my place. So there was the fallout. I was cold. I didn't watch the way I spoke. And immediately I knew I wasn't myself. To her, I was a stranger. To me, I was a monster... an out-of-control one. I lost my groove that day. I felt I don't know myself anymore.

It's so easy to feel sorry for yourself, to let the alter ego control you forever. But what's brave is to always take control of yourself once more and patch things up. Co-existence/mutualism is a natural occurrence. It does happen... everywhere; and I believe that's where we are right now :)